A Visit from S Snape
by Veresna Ussep
Summary: Who wants some jolly fat guy coming down your chimney? Wouldn't you prefer a lean, lanky wizard with an attitude? New songs added!
1. Twas the Night Before Christmas

Disclaimer: The character of Severus Snape was created and is owned by J K Rowling. I am simply playing with him and am getting absolutely no monetary reward for doing so. The following poem is obviously a parody of 'Twas the Night Before Christmas, most commonly attributed to Clement Clark Moore (now there's a whole controversy in itself).  
  
  
  
'Twas the Night Before Christmas (Or, A Visit from S. Snape)  
  
  
  
'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through my home  
  
Not a creature was stirring, not even a gnome  
  
My cauldron was filled full of eggnog of course  
  
But my spirit was heavy with pain and remorse  
  
  
  
The house-elves had made up my bed with such care  
  
But what did it matter-with no one to share?  
  
So I in my nightie, so lacy and tight  
  
Sat myself down for long, lonely night  
  
  
  
When deep in the hearth the flames sputtered and spattered  
  
I tilted my head to see what was the matter?  
  
I blinked and I stared, disbelief filled my face  
  
And the next thing I knew, my heart started to race  
  
  
  
For out of the haze there arose such a sight  
  
A wizard emerging, with robes black as the night  
  
He was ashy and dusty, but untouched by the fire  
  
And it took just one look, I was filled with desire  
  
  
  
Then he snorted and muttered and brushed his clothes clean  
  
With fingers so graceful, so long and so lean  
  
His long hair was black, a bit greasy and slick  
  
And I knew in a moment, it wasn't St. Nick  
  
  
  
I found myself gazing, my mouth wide and agape  
  
I could not believe it, he looked just like dear Snape!  
  
He was dressed all in black, from his toes to his head  
  
And I hoped in an instant we'd soon be in bed  
  
  
  
Than rapidly out of those sweet lips there fell  
  
A whole string of curses, "Dear Merlin, it's hell!  
  
"Damn Albus, Damn Potter, Damn that Weasley and Granger!  
  
Damn Lupin, Damn Hagrid, could they act any stranger?"  
  
  
  
We all should be practicing quite nasty curses  
  
Instead those fools sit and sing holiday verses!  
  
This inane Christmas cheer-oh it's humbug I vow!  
  
I've run away, run away, run away now!"  
  
  
  
"Dear Madam, excuse me," he said with a bow  
  
"I fear that I should introduce myself now."  
  
"I'm Professor Snape, and, believe me, my dear-  
  
Despite my fierce looks, you have nothing to fear."  
  
  
  
"Oh, Severus, dear!", I replied with a wink  
  
"I knew you at once-won't you please have a drink?"  
  
In an instant both glasses were filled to the brim  
  
And he sat down beside me-it really was him!  
  
  
  
"What's the matter?" he asked, "do you not like the nog?"  
  
"Well, really," I said, "I had hoped for a snog."  
  
"Far be it from me to refuse your request."  
  
And believe me, dear friends, he can kiss with the best!  
  
  
  
  
  
The next morning found me, alone and bereft  
  
For when I had wakened, he'd already left  
  
But under the tree there were gifts wrapped with tape  
  
And on all the tags were the words: "Love, from Snape"  
  
  
  
I opened my parcels and gifts in a trice  
  
The presents he'd left me were really quite nice  
  
But allow me to say, and I hope I'm not bragging  
  
That the best gift of all was my Slytherin shagging 


	2. Snapey Baby

A/N. Ah, seems like there are quite a few ladies who would like to awake to find Severus under their Christmas tree (or somewhere else). Therefore, I have also written some Christmas Carols for my fellow Snape-aholics:  
  
  
  
Snapey Baby (Sung to the tune of 'Santa Baby', first immortalized by the amazing Eartha Kitt). If you aren't familiar with this, please visit the following webpage, where you can hear the song and see the original lyrics:  
  
http://www.newbie.net/Christmas/SantaBaby/santa_baby.html  
  
  
  
Snapey Baby, I've filled my cauldron with a new brew  
  
For you  
  
Been an awfully good witch, Snapey Baby  
  
Oh, hurry down my chimney tonight  
  
  
  
  
  
Snapey Baby, a teeny bit of powder called floo  
  
Will do  
  
I'll wait up for you dear, Snapey Baby  
  
So, hurry down my chimney tonight  
  
  
  
  
  
Oh, please, Sir, don't you be vexed  
  
I've heard all about the girls you've hexed  
  
Seems that you are awfully good  
  
At making a witch feel over-sexed  
  
  
  
  
  
Snapey Baby, or you could fly to my room  
  
Your broom  
  
I'd help you polish it, umh-umh, I would  
  
So hurry down my chimney tonight  
  
  
  
  
  
Snapey, Honey, I've got a special present for you  
  
I do  
  
You'll be glad that you came, Snapey Baby  
  
Oh, Hurry down my chimney tonight  
  
  
  
  
  
Snapey, Honey, all I need is one little kiss  
  
Such bliss  
  
Love those Slytherin lips, Snapey Baby  
  
So, hurry down the chimney tonight  
  
  
  
  
  
The thought of you, so tall and pale  
  
I know that you're not some kind of fairy-tale  
  
I really do believe in you  
  
And I'll make you believe in me  
  
  
  
  
  
Snapey Baby, and make sure that you bring when you come  
  
Your wand  
  
Oh, yes, the magical one, Snapey Baby  
  
And hurry down the chimney tonight  
  
Hurry down my chimney tonight.  
  
Hurry.Tonight. 


	3. Santa Snape is Coming, UhHuh

A/N: -Clears throat-. Well, my inspiration for this song was a photo manipulation of Alan Rickman's full frontal nudity scene in Dark Harbor. In this version, Snape's dark, long locks were drawn in and he was romping about in a winter wonderland wearing only boots, Santa Claus hat and an unbuttoned Santa Claus suit jacket.  
  
SANTA SNAPE IS COMING, UH-HUH! (Sung to the tune of "Santa Claus is Coming to Town")  
  
Oh, I'm gonna cry out  
  
You bet I will sigh  
  
I ain't gonna pout  
  
I'm telling you why  
  
Santa Snape is coming, uh-huh  
  
  
  
  
  
He's stoppering death  
  
He's bottleing fame  
  
He's gonna make me scream and shout out his name  
  
Santa Snape is coming, uh-huh  
  
  
  
  
  
I'm glad I wasn't sleeping  
  
It's fun to stay awake  
  
He's seems in such a jolly mood  
  
Let's be bad for Sevvie's sake  
  
  
  
  
  
He's wearing his boots  
  
His jacket's undone  
  
From the look on his face  
  
He's ready for fun  
  
Santa Snape is coming, uh-huh  
  
  
  
  
  
Each boy and girl at Hogwarts  
  
Was quite surprised today  
  
To watch a naked Severus  
  
Skip into the snow and play  
  
  
  
  
  
Oh, I'm gonna cry out  
  
You bet I will sigh  
  
I ain't gonna pout  
  
I'm telling you why  
  
Santa Snape is coming, UH-HUH!!!!!! 


	4. Severus Snape, the Student

SEVERUS SNAPE, THE STUDENT (Sung to the tune of "Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer)  
  
Severus Snape, the student  
  
Liked to dress in long, black clothes  
  
His hair was long and oily  
  
And he had a real big nose  
  
  
  
All of the kids at Hogwarts  
  
Used to laugh and call him names  
  
They never left poor Sevvie  
  
Join in any Quidditch games  
  
  
  
Then one dark and stormy night  
  
You-know-who did say  
  
"Snapey, with your blood so pure  
  
Won't you be a Death Eater?"  
  
  
  
Then he was mean and evil  
  
But, he must have been quite sad  
  
Severus Snape decided  
  
He didn't want to be so bad  
  
  
  
Yes, one night so long ago  
  
He switched sides and said  
  
"Albus, yes, I swear it's true  
  
I will be a spy for you!"  
  
  
  
Still, all the students loathed him  
  
They didn't like him, not a bit  
  
Severus Snape, the teacher  
  
He was called "The Greasy Git" 


	5. I Want Snape for Christmas

I WANT SNAPE FOR CHRISTMAS (Sung to the tune of "I'll Be Home for Christmas")  
  
I Want Snape for Christmas  
  
He's my perfect male  
  
Icy glare  
  
And long, black hair  
  
And pallor, oh, so pale  
  
And a voice so silky  
  
Even when he screams  
  
I want Snape for Christmas  
  
If only in my dreams 


	6. Sneaky Snape, Sexy Snape

SNEAKY SNAPE (Sung to the tune of Silent Night)  
  
Sneaky Snape, Sexy Snape  
  
In black clothes he is draped  
  
Head of Slytherin, clever and sly  
  
With there's trouble he's always close by  
  
With a sneer and a smirk  
  
With a sneer and a smirk  
  
  
  
Sneaky Snape, Sexy Snape  
  
Eyes like coal, long dark cape  
  
Silky voice that arouses and soothes  
  
With such graceful and cat-like moves  
  
Fingers so slim and so long  
  
Fingers so slim and so long  
  
  
  
Sneaky Snape, Sexy Snape  
  
Filled with pain, filled with hate  
  
Skin so sallow, hair so dark  
  
With the sting of regret in his heart  
  
Will he ever find peace?  
  
Will he ever fine peace? 


	7. Casting Spells

CASTING SPELLS (Sung to the tune of "Jingle Bells")  
  
(Sung by Snape)  
  
Casting spells, casting spells  
  
Cursing all the way  
  
Oh, what fun it is to hex  
  
A Gryffindor each day  
  
Casting spells, casting spells  
  
Cursing all the way  
  
Oh, what fun is it to hex  
  
A Gryffindor each day  
  
  
  
Slinking through the halls  
  
With a sneer upon my face  
  
The students hug the walls  
  
Away from me they race  
  
  
  
Hearing students squeak  
  
Because they're scared as hell  
  
Oh, what fun it is to sneak  
  
Behind them and to yell  
  
  
  
  
  
Casting spells, casting spells  
  
Cursing all the way  
  
Oh, what fun it is to hex  
  
A Gryffindor each day  
  
Casting spells, casting spells  
  
Cursing all the way  
  
Oh, what fun is it to hex  
  
A Gryffindor each day  
  
  
  
A day or two ago  
  
That Potter brat did try  
  
To sneak out of the school  
  
With Weasley by his side  
  
  
  
I knew something was up  
  
And so I cast a spell  
  
It made his stupid cloak dissolve  
  
And now he's mad as hell  
  
  
  
Casting spells, casting spells  
  
Cursing all the way  
  
Oh, what fun it is to hex  
  
A Gryffindor each day  
  
Casting spells, casting spells  
  
Cursing all the way  
  
Oh, what fun is it to hex  
  
A Gryffindor each day  
  
  
  
Longbottom is next  
  
He's such an easy mark  
  
I'll curse his stupid toad  
  
That should break his heart  
  
  
  
And last of all you see  
  
There's Granger, she will learn  
  
Sometimes it's best to close your mouth  
  
And not talk out of turn  
  
  
  
Casting spells, casting spells  
  
Cursing all the way  
  
Oh, what fun it is to hex  
  
A Gryffindor each day  
  
Casting spells, casting spells  
  
Cursing all the way  
  
Oh, what fun is it to hex  
  
A Gryffindor each day 


End file.
